Dear Queen of Coffee (aka the female human who feeds me):

Since you have demonstrated an utter lack of dog language comprehension, despite my best efforts to instruct you in the canine vocabulary, I am forced to resort to memorandum form to address my recent grievances.  Let me just say that I absolutely adore you – as evidenced by the laborious manner in which I lick your feet, legs or any available area of skin. I am utterly elated to be part of your pack.  Our den is the coolest and you are a good mom.  Please do not see this as an attack, but rather an effort to open the lines of communication in order to improve our dog-human relationship.

First, despite the fact that you have awakened me between 4:30-5:00 in the morning for the past several days due to your inability to sleep, I have not complained.  I am all for getting up early – but this is ridiculous! I am grateful that we are outside doing what you call the “good boy Cooper fast walking” in the neighborhood.  But what you don’t seem to realize is that if you are going to take me out that early I would like to take advantage of the fact that creatures below me on the food chain are also out and about.  You take me over to the earthy smelling wooded place, tell me to run around and then, when I discover, say, a small bunny, a frog, or — dare I say it? — squirrel (squirrel, squirrel, SQUIRREL!) then suddenly it’s “NO COOPER, NO!” and the terrible “bad dog”.  You seem upset that I elect to play (?) with the aromatic animals that cross my path.  Why? I sit patiently at your feet with you during American Idol, do I not? I allow you to drink the hot brown stuff before jumping all over you most mornings. Your impatience when I see a woodpecker low enough on the tree to pounce on is very confusing to me. What is the problem here? You are smart enough to know that although my kind are domesticated, we are not pussies! (By that I mean those annoying, lazy four legged fur balls I see lounging on the neighbor’s porch). I am a descendant from the great wolf – and as such it is in my nature to party with the beasts. I literally can’t stop myself.

I want to assure you, in spite of what you were thinking, the regurgitation of last evenings dinner was in no way retribution for the issues we are having.  I mean, I thoughtfully deposited the excess stomach contents on the carpet right? You seem to really love your wood flooring, so I was at least circumspect there for you.

So, in summary: I am a dog. I chase furry and feathered creatures. They expect it. You should too.

Love,

Cooper